I’m Trying To Find The Words To Speak In A Broken World

I feel…sad. Defeated. Frustrated. Empty.

I’m really not sure how I feel.

I walked out of church this morning, imagining that I’d push through those double doors and feel renewed. That all the indecision, the anxiety bubbling in my stomach would suddenly disappear. That I would have all the answers and the right words and the confidence to face the day. But I know church doesn’t work like that. God doesn’t provide on my terms. He isn’t just this magical being that makes everything perfect exactly how and when we want Him to.

I left church, and I felt a mix of emotions. There’s been so much I’ve wanted to write for so long, but I haven’t yet found the words.

I’m struggling.

I’m struggling to write about love and laughter and happiness and forgiveness when it seems those things are so trivial. I’m struggling to write about people I love and people I miss, when some people are crying, feeling so unheard.

I want to write about politics. I want to write about the Muslim ban. I want to write about feminism and Donald Trump and new policies and all the positive and negative thoughts I have swirling around my brain. But honestly, I’m not sure how. Continue reading

The Strength Of A Heart

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A few months ago, someone messaged me on my Facebook page and asked me to write about the ‘the strength of a heart.’ confused, I asked them to elaborate. And then felt like a complete idiot for not knowing what they were talking about. The ‘strength of a heart’—that’s implied, isn’t it? The phrase is about our resilience, our continuance, how we continue on and heal after heartbreak, how we learn to love and re-love, in the wake of losing people and relationships that meant everything to us. Continue reading

I Wrote About A Boy

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I wrote about a boy yesterday.

To be honest, maybe not just one boy. Maybe all the boys I’ve been hurting in the past year, the ones who wanted me to be something I just couldn’t. Not yet.

I wrote a piece about a boy whose heart I broke. Whose heart I knew I was going to break, but I was powerless to stop it. It all happened so fast–the feelings, the time, the way two people sort of mesh together, and even if you know from the start it’s doomed, you still want to try–you know, that feeling. Continue reading

Maybe If We Quiet Our Minds, Our Hearts Will Finally Listen

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Image Credit: Alef Vinicius

Sometimes I wonder if we have the answers inside us, all along. Like we know, somewhere in the deepest parts of ourselves, where we should be headed, or who we should be with. Something like intuition or conscience, or maybe even God speaking through our cells.

Have you ever had a moment where you suddenly knew, beyond a doubt, what to do? Like some strange force pulled you, pushed you, gave you clarity?

It’s like seeing a random person on a walk through the park and realizing this has happened to you before—you crossing paths with this specific stranger—in a dream. Like deja-vu. Like something scary and wonderful and will make you seem like a crazy person if you try to explain it.

Sometimes I wonder where that little voice in our head comes from. Continue reading

When He Asks Me My Favorite Flower

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He asks me my favorite flower, and I don’t hesitate. Sunflower. Bold. Bright. Brilliant. His eyebrows furrow, ‘Why not a rose?’ He implies their beauty, their danger, their poise. The way you can admire from a distance, but never get too close.

But I have never been a rose. Continue reading

I Won’t Let You Break Me

He says he will wait,
says it all romantically
because he knows that’s what I want,
know I have always been guarded
when it comes to matters of my body,
but never my heart.
He knows I’ve always been a woman of faith;
my body will always be my temple.
Mine to own
and to protect.
He says he will wait,
says it all sticky-sweet
coating my mind like syrup.
Says he will wait
but push my limits
to see where I’ll stand firm
and where I’ll falter.
To see how far I’ll go.
But that it isn’t love—
making someone lose
a sense of who they are
just to find a place in your arms.
Bending someone
until they break
for you.

I Dreamt Of You (Again)

In this dream, you were different.

This time, you didn’t tell me that you missed me, that you never stopped loving me, that you knew we’d find each other again. Instead, you handed me a note when I walked through your apartment door. An apartment I’ve never been, mind you, but it felt like you, smelled like you, looked exactly how my non-sleepy mind would have imagined it. Continue reading

Illinois Thunder

I still remember that rainstorm. It was late August. Night.

I woke from my sleep and crawled towards the window, pressed my nose against the glass like I used to do as a child, hopeful and tender. Outside, the rain scattered across the streets, persistent and unafraid. Thunder cracked, and I forced myself to stay, to keep my eyes open, to watch as lightening ripped across the sky, bold and brilliant.

All my life, I’ve wished to be a storm, a force to be reckoned with.
But in that moment, my hands shook as they gripped the wooden window frame. Continue reading

Comparing You To The Ocean

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There is much to be said about the ocean’s consistency,
The waves, the sound, the break against the shore,
The warmth and the cool and the rushing tide turning to foam.

There is much to be said about the ocean’s reliability,
The settling, the sweeping, the shards of shells coming in and out,
The salty air in noses.

But the ocean is big, is endless, is ever-changing
even in all the ways it is steady.
And I think that’s what scares me the most.